Rhetorical Soup

"You sought knowledge when you should have sought yourself. So while you flung open the doors of your mind so too did you slam shut the doors to your heart. If you never wake and if you never find the truth in those old words, then find the truth in mine. 

Rouse what remains of your character so that you might be someone, instead of being someone else." G.F.

I spent my last night at Smith College in the lab. cleaning. it felt like the right thing to do. This space, after all, will have held nearly ever good memory I will have of my college experience. 

It is May. It is warm. It is lonely inside this building but I prefer it that way - when it is quiet. I am sad but somehow not at all. I won't be moving on, after all. 

For weeks (months, really) I've listened as everyone talked incessantly about their plans. About their sadness about having to leave. I try to be sympathetic but it is mostly fake. I've been waiting for these last days for what feels like ever: counting down, checking things off, not saving anything for the last minute. They drag it out too, trying to allow you every second to drink in the last bits of this place when all you want to do is try not to trip as you walk across the stage to snatch your diploma from Carol and get the hell out of there.

Somehow I know that these experiences are pretend. What is real waits for me outside of the iron gates, not in ivy-covered brick buildings but instead in a small house on the top of a hill in a town you have not heard of.  What is real is where I came from before I was here. The only reality here is in books. It's in facts and pages and imprinted in rocks. But when you stop hearing the facts and reading the books and seeing the rocks because you've stopped searching for reality and started only trying to finish your homework, it's over for you. The reality that is available here, it's over for me.

I am tired and not from lack of sleep. I sleep all the time.

For my friends, this is the beginning. I congratulate you. Go out, away from here, and begin the rest of your lives with incredible confidence and tenacity. Be the person you want to be and have learned to be, here. Savor every experience until the right one comes along. It is coming. You will be brave in the face of adversity. You will not be silent when you observe injustice.  You will fight to protect the rights of your future daughters. And so will I.

Please understand, however, that this is the middle for me. My life will not begin anew when I walk across the stage, although still many uncertainties will lay ahead.  And before you get ahead of me, if their is fleeting pity in your hearts at this moment for some kind of intellect wasted, stop. Stop right now. Find it inside yourself to believe me when I say that I have knowingly chosen this path for myself. Maybe the only decision I've ever made not cloaked with the martyr inhabiting me. Please don't belittle the weight of my words by suggesting that I am harboring secret ambitions from you. I am not. 

At some point during the year, I could no longer reconcile my sadness. I had experienced such success and no longer could I find solace in it. This existence was superficial, at best. not real. I was twelve different people, one for every scenario, plus one extra for on-paper. For anyone else who has attempted this mathematical improbability that you can divide yourself into 12 different personas, that is 12x100% of yourself, for every second of the day = 1200% = not real. The only place you get a break is driving in the car, alone, or sleep. They're the only methods of escape. 

If I am so smart, like they say, why the struggle? Why not use this experience as a platform to jettison myself out into the world? Why the hardship in place of what would be a very successful career? It's not the doubt, if that is, at first, your reaction. It's anything but that. Some days, I am so strong. Like a tiger or an ox. I could do everything, all at once. I could continue exerting the full force of my self, pouring my energy out like sand grains in my egg timer, but I am finally feeling my emotional boundaries here, in these last moments, maybe for the first time. I've finally found it, the edge.

"The energy needed to maintain this life in masks and veils is far greater than the proposed energy expended on the anxiety of the unknown". 

Birthday Coconut Macaroons

 I turned twenty-three today. I feel so much older. Like at least forty. I tried to cancel my birthday this year but was told that if you cancel your birthday you die. I don't feel that old. 

Anyway, the news of the day is that I am now the proud new owner of a kitchenaid stand mixer (in red, of course).  My instinct was to begin baking as soon as it came out of the box. Legit. But Ethan had to play with it first, and I decided I would wait until I cleaned the kitchen again. 

I always thought I would get a mixer, maybe as a wedding gift. My friend, Nikki, and I always like to admire them on black friday.  But Ethan's gone and bought me one, probably saving me years of shoulder pain and considerably raising the bar on my food.

Coconut Macaroons

Admittedly, I TORCHED the first batch of these I tried to make a few weeks ago. I thought that the 20 minutes of baking time was also a good time to start my lesson plans. ITS NOT A GOOD IDEA TO BAKE THINGS WHILE DOING LESSON PLANS. You will end up with little charcoal golf balls. But these ones came out just perfectly. 

What will you need? 

2 egg whites

1 pinch salt

1 pinch cream of tartar (probably not necessary if you don't have it, but it helps to stiffen the egg whites, useful especially if you are beating the egg whites by hand)

2 tsp to 1/4 c. sugar

2 1/2 c. coconut

1/2 tsp vanilla

parchment paper (i'm not kidding)

Combine your egg whites, salt, and cream of tarter in a bowl. Whisk or use an electric mixer to beat the egg whites until they begin to froth and turn white. Add your vanilla slowly once your egg mixture has begun to form soft peaks. Also add your sugar, a few teaspoons at a time and continue to mix until the egg whites form stiff peaks. I used less sugar (2 tsp) because I was using sweetened coconut and I planned to cover them with chocolate. Use more sugar if you like sweet macaroons, sweet things in general, or don't plan to smear chocolate on the tops of them. Fold in the coconut a bit at a time. It should form somewhat of a ball in the mixing bowl, if not, add more coconut a TBS at a time. Don't mess with the mixture too much, if possible. Place small spoonfulls of this mixture onto a cookie sheet with parchment paper. Use the parchment paper. Trust me. Go to Ocean State or Big Lots and pick some up for $2.00. It's worth it.

Bake 15 to 20 minutes at 325˚F. Keep an eye on them in the oven. They are done when the bottoms are brown as are the tops.

Take out of the oven and remove from the cookie sheet. Cover with something delicious like dark chocolate.

Gluten-Free Recipes for Rachael

1/3 of my time I eat gluten-free. Not of my own accord, I might add. The little boy I take care of is gluten-free, dairy-free and I have to say, it's been an interesting experience. When I first started working with him, I would have nightmares that I was feeding him milk and bread and all sorts of things chocked-full of dairy and wheat. It took me at least a month to figure out how to feed him correctly because at first it seems like he must not be able to eat ANYTHING. But that's just not true, I know now.

I had never paid much attention to the seemingly ever-increasing, gluten intolerance because dairy and wheat must make up most of my diet. And you know what? If you are gluten-free you should rejoice in the fact that you can probably still eat dairy, because a lot of those gluten-free alternatives that have been popping up everywhere for the things you probably want to eat but think you can't most likely have milk-powder or milk-products in them. But I guess if you are gluten-free and dairy-free or vegan, you're most likely not reading this blog anyway.

So even if you aren't gluten-free, do you wonder why you've probably been hearing a lot about gluten intolerance lately? Seeing the gluten-free alternative next to things in the supermarket you've been buying forever? Me too. So I've been doing some research.

What is gluten, anyway?
Gluten is a wheat protein (not the kind of protein you think of when reading dietary requirements, but the kind which is a molecule formed from different kinds of amino acids and perform many functions within the human body) found in all varieties of wheat products including rye and barley but also things like couscous. It is the protein in flour that, in traditional bread-making, aids in the rising of the dough as well as a dough's elasticity. Some wheat-based flours have more gluten then others, depending on their purpose.

Where do you find gluten?
Gluten protein is found in wheat products and products in the wheat "family" (FUN FACT for my geologist friends: these are members of the "true grasses" family, 65.5 Ma - present). These products include but are not limited to wheat, barley, rye, bulgur, semolina, traditional pasta, spelt, and are also hidden in many products you may not think of like sausage, baked beans, soups, sauces, soy sauce, instant coffee, and salad dressings. If you are eating gluten free, or think you may have a gluten intolerance make sure to read all labels - even when it seems like there wouldn't be wheat present.

So what can you eat?
So after holding this job for 2 1/2 months now, I've come to the conclusion that there is no reason not to eat well or most of the things you want because you are gluten free. You just have to be committed to making the things you want with alternatives, of which there are many: oat flour, corn flour (maize), quinoa (i've eaten SO much quinoa) rice flour, millet, almond flour, buckwheat (not related to wheat at all!) and lucky for us so many NEW options like King Arthur Flour's new multi-purpose gluten-free all-purpose flour, gluten-free Bisquick, gluten free pastas and gluten free breads (check out Udi's products).

Gluten-free snacks in my tool kit:
1. pizza toast
2. eggs all ways
3. quinoa salad (see below)
4. baked tofu with gluten free soy-sauce
5. tomato soup
6. anything in a gluten-free pie crust (freezer section of most health food stores)
7. cheeseburger on gluten-free bread
8. fishcakes

Quinoa Salad

If you are freaked out by the idea of trying a new grain, try to put that behind you for just the one recipe. The first time I tried barley, it was really weird. But it's good to just give yourself more options. Especially if your options have already been limited by gluten-intolerance.

What will you need?
1 1/2 c. quinoa
1/2 c. toasted pine nuts or walnuts (if you have an aversion to nuts, try finely diced carrots or celery for some crunch)
1 c. english cucumber, diced
1 tomato, diced
1/4 c. red onion, diced
parsely (fresh is best)
1/4 c. olive oil
3 TBS lemon juice
salt and pepper

Cook you quinoa according to package directions. It won't seem like a lot of quinoa, but I promise it is enough.  Chop all your vegetables. When your quinoa is done, fluff it with a fork (IT IS NOT NECESSARY TO STIR THE QUINOA WHILE IT IS COOKING). Add olive oil, all your vegetables, nuts (or alternative), lemon juice and salt and pepper. Serve hot or cold depending on which you like (or how cold it is, currently, in your apartment. No lie, I think I can see my breath). If you can, and you LOVE cheese like me, try topping with feta, shredded cheddar or parmesan.

Coming Soon... Recipes for Rachael Part II: Gluten Free Pot-Pie
Also Coming Soon... Thanksgiving for Poor People