Fancy-Dancy-Jam-Filled-Berry Muffins

 What I've meant to say, tried to say, in too many words is this: I've searched for a long time, convinced that the only things that could bring me enough happiness were those things I did not have. We miss too much when the only things we see lie somewhere ahead, in the distance.

Maybe you have had the luxury of knowing this for your whole life. Maybe you have moved on to more important things, sure. But I don't think it is OK to tell people that what they find important isn't. Or try to convince them otherwise. If it doesn't matter to you, it doesn't matter. Its not important. But that doesn't mean its not important to someone else. 

Fancy-Dancy-Jam-Filled-Berry Muffins

These are so good. At first I thought that they weren't sweet enough (which didn't stop me from eating 3). But the next day when I had another, I realized they were perfect!

What will you need?
2 c. flour
3/4 c. sugar (more if you like it sweet)
2 1/2 tsp baking powder
1/4 tsp salt
2 eggs
3 TBS melted butter
4 oz. applesauce (an individual cup)
2 TBS vegetable oil (or just more butter)
1 1/2 c. fresh or frozen mixed berries
1/2 c. blueberry jam

1 lemon
1 orange
1 TBS sugar
1/2 c. powdered sugar

Combine all dry ingredients.  Combine eggs, melted butter, applesauce, and vegetable oil. Mix together - if it's too dry add more applesauce, but this will not be a thin batter like when you make it from a box. It will be sticky. Fold in berries.

 Scoop one spoonful of batter into lined muffin cups. This is a 2-spoon job, for sure. Spread the batter into the bottom of the cups, leaving a small divot in the middle.

 Scoop 1-2 tsp of blueberry jam into each cup.

 Cover with another spoonful of batter. The cups should be mostly full, at least 3/4. They didn't rise as much as I thought they would. Not an issue though, these are incredible. Cook 15-20 minutes at 375˚F. Take them out as soon as they start to brown at the top. Remember, every oven is unique so keep checking them, even if that means you have to degrease your oven window.

Mix 1/2 c. of powdered sugar with 1 TBS lemon juice (squeezed) and 1/2 - 1 tsp lemon zest.  This glaze should look white with yellow flecks and not be too liquid-y. If it seems a bit too translucent, add more powdered sugar. Drizzle over cooled muffins.

Grate the rest of your lemon rind and half of your orange. Toss these in 1 TBS sugar. Sprinkle on top. They'll smell citrus-y but they'll taste like little bits of heaven. This made 17 cupcakes but if you fill each of the cups a little more, probably 15 total.

Dirt

When you're in high school, all you can think is, "i've got to get out of here" and you wait and you wait and you wait until it's your turn. While you are waiting you find some dirt to kick around, maybe a few hearts to break or trouble to swim around in. In the day to day, everything just is. Bad things seem normal. No one questions beliefs or traditions. All the grime and poverty and dirt is all disguised in trees. Lots and lots of trees. There are so many, you can't see the forest through them.

When you are young like that, young in your mind, like I was, you dream of a life so big. You imagine that the things you will attain or achieve outside of this realm will be weighted and grand and satisfying. Anything is possible outside of this place. You can't imagine what those things are that you will do, but they are going to be great and you will finally, finally feel full.

You are waiting for your turn and you feel antsy. You know that if you stay, you will live the same day over and over again.  Same roads, same faces, same dirt - day in and day out. Thoughts like that can make you crazy.  Maybe you cope by doing drugs. Maybe you cope by drinking or smoking. Not much change up there so you alter your mind instead.  Everyone calls it fun. But mostly, it's just a way out. Even if its only a few hours. And even if they'd never admit it.

There is dirt everywhere but you stop seeing it.

Then the day comes when your turn is up. Time to go. You pretend you are prepared but you are not. Your old friends don't understand your new life. Your new friends don't understand you at all. Nothing makes sense because this whole time you've been banking on finding people "like you" on the outside. Maybe they are there but they appear to be much better at disguising it then you.

There is dirt on all your things and you're sure everyone can see it.

But you are strong, right? So strong because you know how to survive. All these people out here living - they don't know shit about how to survive. And you think to yourself, that's really all I have going for me. I never got any of that other stuff, the dance lessons, the language tutor - that is apparently a requirement for living. Put on your best face and go do some pull-ups. Its going to be a long while.

But nothing feels real. You try and try but everything is so superficial...and so clean. Where I had once found solace in the comforts of facts and science, transporting me to a more concrete, stable place, it was no longer enough. Here I am, out in the world! Shouldn't I be feeling better yet? Shouldn't I feel satisfied? But all I felt was lonely and out of place.

So its like the plot of a movie where the main character can't seem to foresee what the audience already knows. The place you've despised and run from is the only place you want to be. You feel like you'll never really be able to establish connections with people who haven't been here, didn't see what you saw, or haven't helped you wash the dirt out of your hair when things got too bad. Now it feels like the only thing that is real.


You should do the things that make you happy.  You should hike mountains or fold laundry or bake or become a famous scientist or a PA or move to California or Hawaii or write or dig in the dirt or whatever it is you need to to do to be happy. You have to know, without reservation or guilt, that you are the only one capable of knowing what that is.

You'll never eat frozen chicken pot pies again..

It is so easy to complain. It is so easy to be mad instead of honest, with yourself, with other people. Maybe instead of saying how your feeling because you are afraid of starting an argument, you hold it in. You stay quiet. You fume. And you pretend like they are too stupid to notice.

They do notice. Just once, tell them. Just this time. Be honest with yourself. Do something to fix it.

I have been struggling with my work situation. I like my new job a lot. But it is emotionally taxing, being in a place that is based entirely on "choosing to be happy".

I forget sometimes how many people are genuinely unhappy.

I spent so long being fake and doing everything everyone else said too. I've finally gotten rid of that. I can't handle one more person telling me that they know the way that I should be happy.

Chicken Pot Pie with Cheddar-Herb Crust

This recipe is so good. It all started when I really wanted to eat a pot pie... so I bought a few of those Marie Calendars frozen pies that I LOVED when I was a kid. And then I ate one. And I was so disappointed. They are good because they are cheap and all, but I will never be able to eat them again, after making this. Me and Ethan ate nearly the whole pie in one sitting.

What will you need? 
For the Crust...
Crust (If you are really ambitious and have multiple hours to work with, you could make your own!)
1 TBS Italian Seasoning
2 TBS shredded cheddar
flour
For the filling...
1/3 c. butter
1/2 an onion (+ carrots and celery if you have them!)
1/3 c. flour
1 1/4 c. broth
1/2 c. milk
2 c. cooked diced chicken
1 1/2 c. frozen mixed vegetables
salt and pepper
garlic powder

Thaw your crust, if it's frozen. Otherwise just leave it on the counter for 15-20 minutes. While you are doing this, cook your diced chicken in a frying pan with just a bit of oil until it is no longer pink. Remove from the pan.

In your pan, melt butter completely. Add onions, carrots, and/or celery. Cook 2-3 minutes. Add flours, spoonfuls at a time, mixing completely. It will be thick. Add milk and broth slowly. At this point, it will start resembling pot pie filling. Add chicken and frozen vegetables. Stir over medium heat for 5-6 minutes until it is thickened. If it seems to watery, add a tad more flour (or cornstarch).

At this point, unroll your first pie crust and place in a pie dish, making sure to lay over the edges. Spoon your filling into the dish on top of this first crust. Roll your second crust out onto a floured surface, sprinkle generously with italian seasoning and shredded cheddar cheese. Do your best to squish these into the dough surface, but it is a rather impossible feat, I've decided, so don't worry to much about it.

Carefully remove it from the floured surface and place on your pie. Pinch edges to seal and cut a few slits in the top to vent. Even though I vent, every time, I always have some kind of leakage. Place in the oven at 350˚F for 30-40 minutes. 30-40 is a big window, i know. But it depends a lot on your oven. GET TO KNOW YOUR OVEN. I can't stress that enough. Mine is done in about 33-35 minutes, but I have to spin it once or twice so one side doesn't burn.