My Eskimo

"The loss, you know what I mean? The... the disappointment in yourself. The anger that turns into disappointment. The despair.

Like the guy who's sittin' at the bar and a priest walks in, pulls up a chair. The guy says, "Wait a minute." He says, "I hate to tell you this, don't waste you're time, but I happen to know there's no God." The priest says, "Yeah, how's that?" The guy says...

"I am an explorer in the north pole. I've been caught in a blindin' storm once. Freezing. I was blinded, freezing to death and I prayed, if there is a God, save me now. Now God didn't come."

The priest says... you know, "How's that?" He says, "You're alive. He must have saved you."

He said, "No. God never showed up. An Eskimo came along. Took me back to his camp and saved me." That's Janice. She's my wife and she's sittin' right there. She's my Eskimo." (The Town, 2009)

...

Imagine you are a swimmer. You've been a swimmer all your life. And one morning you wake up, or maybe it's been happening gradually, you can't remember, but you wake up and your pool has become a big, tumultuous, roaring ocean. The waves are crashing around you, there is salt in your eyes and its hard to keep your head above the water. You are drowning.

You've been treading water, floating on your back, grasping for safe harbor for hours, maybe months, who is keeping track. Where is the lifeguard?! You might say, to yourself, angrily. You have forgotten. You are the lifeguard. No one is coming for you.

Vulnerable, you float alone in your ocean. You pass in and out of consciousness - in and out of reality. Each time you think you see the glimmer of shore in the distance, you cannot reach it. It moves farther and farther from you the faster you swim. You are thrashing and kicking but you never reach refuge. So you float, helpless. Defeated.

When you have finally given up hope of rescue, admitted you can no longer fight - it is over -

there they are.

But they do not reach into the swirling, whirlpool you are spinning in to pull you to shore.

They do not lift your lifeless body from the waves. They say

swim.

They say, swim. You can. You will. You are strong.

They say, I will wait for you on the shore. swim.

Now in that moment, you can choose to not trust this. No one has come for you before. You have been alone. You are mad. You scream, "leave me! let me die here!".  Maybe not your body, but your soul. Your ability to love. To love yourself. You let your pool become an ocean, after all.

Or you can swim. For your life. For your love. For your self.

And when you reach the shore, because you will reach it, even if it takes hours or weeks or years, you will be ready. You will be changed.  And when they come to take your hand, your ocean will slip away, shrinking to nothing, a puddle.  You are too strong now to let that sea take this from you. This opportunity to live. To love.


I have fought for this life but

you are my beacon of hope.

...

I have been working on this from some time now, and if you know me well enough, you'll have to excuse my swimmer's metaphor. It is ultimately, the most fitting.

Cocoa Devil's Food Cake

It is maybe unethical of me to make this cake only because of the yogurt in my fridge that is about to go bad. And because I went running. So I can eat all the cake I want! Right?

It might seem like I haven't been cooking lately... but you would be wrong! I've made lots of good stuff from Joy (and some not so good...my fault), including risotto (my first!), pork chops, and cinnamon raisin milk bread. But these past few weeks... have been quite testing. My head has been too full to write anything worth reading.

What will you need ?

2 c. cake flour (or 2 cups reg. flour - 4 TBS flour + 4 TBS corn starch)

1 tsp baking soda

1/2 tsp salt

1 c. sugar

1 c. buttermilk or yogurt

1/2 c. cocoa powder

1 tsp vanilla

1/2 c. butter

1 c. sugar

2 large eggs

Icing (of some kind - you'll have to get creative - mine was awful.)

Sift together cake flour, baking soda and salt. If you "made your own" cake flour. Sift it to death. 

In a separate bowl, whisk together 1 c. sugar,1 c. buttermilk or yogurt, 1/2 c. cocoa powder, 1 tsp vanilla. It should look similar to what cake batter from a box looks like. 

In a bowl, or your sweet Kitchenaid mixer, combine softened butter and 1 c. sugar. Beat on high until fluffy. Add your flour mixture, alternating with the chocolate mixture, until combined. 

Put in 2 9x9 cake pans and bake 25-30 minutes at 350˚F (checking frequently toward the end).

Frost and eat!